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By Nila Squirm
Another violent death strikes down a presidential candidate in the violence-riddled election season of 2008 as Atheist presidential aspirant Stan Kantem, 44, is struck down by the bite of a poisonous spider within feet of the Malonian Generic Memorial Wall outside the remote state's capital city of Schultzville.
President Blanka, interrupted yet again in his duck blind while photographing the ducks and geese of central Esperantujo, tells MUKO, "This is an intolerable situation. What happened to the good old days of 2004 when my opponent, Edna Porczeny-Dalrymple and I, simply called each other names and made up lies about each other?"
The President immediately leased the Malonia Generic Memorial Wall, having crews of engravers flown in on time-machine-accelerated Air Force planes to create a final tribute to the country's first non-God-fearing candidate for major political office.
"For the next week, the Wall will proclaim, 'Stan Kantem, 1964-2008. His slogan said he didn't have a prayer, and he was right.' And may I add, despite our political and religious differences and the fact that we never met, I sincerely regret his passing."
Malonian High Sheriff Grat Dalton XVI, descendant of a famous band of outlaw brothers who rode with Jesse James in the 19th Century, tells MUKO unequivocally, "This is political murder. The Esperantujan Golden Ladder Spider is not native to these parts. It's poisonous as all get-out, but it's slow-moving and reclusive. We do know that tribes of neo-Neanderthals consider them a delicacy and hunt them for food value . . . and for that reason, we've asked Liberal vice-presidential candidate John Hrrrrrr to submit to a supervised interrogation. He'll be requested to bring a translator along, if they have such things."
Reports, rumor and newborn urban legends quickly popped up, saying that all political candidates will be rounded up for questioning, but both President Blanka and Sheriff Dalton XVI "strongly deny" that anything so Draconian is being considered.
"We don't even have plans to rough up John Hrrrrrr," Malonia's top lawman says. "We just want to ask him a few simple questions, like, 'Did you murder Stan Kantem?'. We're a civilized bunch up here. We didn't even have a government until 2004. We were the only anarchist entity in Esperantujo. So we have little or no experience with such sophisticated things as police brutality or inter-species prejudice. Why, until the summer of 2006, our number-one reported crime was cow-tipping."
Speaking further on the issue of the Esperantujan Golden Ladder spider, allegedly the instrument of Kantem's death, Professor Herr Doktor Alois Schicklgruber IV of Malonia Community College tells MUKO, "Scientific records dating all the way back to 2004 show not a single sighting of that highly dangerous spider anywhere in the state. Now, out of the blue, a Golden Ladder spider not only shows up far from its native habitat, apparently willing to give up countless years of genetic behavior, to appear on an open concrete slab at our Generic Memorial Wall and deliver a fatal bite not just to a random passer-by, but to a candidate for the Presidency of Esperantujo. Would Albert Einstein believe such a thing? Or Nikolai Tesla? Thomas Edison, maybe? I sincerely doubt it. What we have here is murder most foul."
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