Esperantujo’s most-trusted online news source since 1999

Creator of One Happy Family political party disappears

FREDDY: “I DUNNO NOTHIN’, CAPISCE”?

The east wing of the Havenselli Family Compound, north of the city. It was here last Friday that political/economic innovator Waldo Titwillow was last seen alive...and in the words of one wag, where he was first seen dead after a brief and tumultuous meeting with Hotel Association chieftain Federico (Freddy the Fisherman) Havenselli, who says, “Maybe he tripped on his way out.”

    Zamenhof City police detectives have given up their search for self-styled economic guru and wannabe ruler of the world Waldo Titwillow, who vanished last Friday after a meeting with Federico (Freddy the Fisherman) Havenselli, ostensibly to discuss Titwillow’s political and economic philosophies.

    Questioned by police chief Danny McBribe, Jr., Freddy said that he wasn’t interested in Titwillow’s political ambitions, which he observed “had nothing profitable for me in them.” After ten minutes of conversation, Havenselli excused himself and asked one of his minions to escort Mr. Titwillow out.

    In response to a question as to what might have happened after that, Freddy chuckled and suggested, “spontaneous combustion”?

Polite Sudkruĉan protestors demonstrate far from King Percy and Queen Daphne

“WE DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN THEIR AFTERNOON”

    Exercising their right to free speech, a small, well-behaved mob of Sudkruĉan students unfurls their all-purpose protest banner for a MUKO photographer and a handful of amused passers-by Tuesday.

    Asked what was being protested, a polite young man who was loath to raise his voice told us in cultured accents, “Nothing, really. It’s simply part of the university experience we didn’t want to miss. We’re quite happy with things as they are, actually.”

    The young spokesman went on to say that he and his revolting friends would never dream of demonstrating anywhere near the Sudkruĉan Royal Palace, for fear of disturbing Their Majesties, especially since the King is known to have a delicate constitution.

    “Now, Queen Daphne, on the other hand,” one of the protestors chuckled ribaldly. I’d love to give her an heir and a spare, eh wot?”

    This earned the lad icy stares of disapproval from his confreres. “A bad apple in every bushel,” one of them said, sotto voce.

    “But on to more serious things,” their leader said, failing to think of any. “Sir, if you speak to the King anytime soon, please let him know we have cricket, rugby and wretched food in the university cafeteria. What young, pseudo-English lad could want more?”

Sudkruĉo’s Queen Daphne. A 4th cousin of Great Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II, she went from drug-addicted young royal to one of the most powerful women in the Esperantujan Triad.

Assigned as King by his great aunt, Percy I briefly managed to overcome his homosexuality after a three-way with Daphne and Babalú Blanka that provided his country with an heir.

Admiral Jolie: Last week’s Quesadilla Viking no threat

    Admiral Jolie, photographed as he serves deviled eggs at a gala Royal Palace party. He tells MUKO, “That Viking...he’s a nice enough fella, he just has a bad sense of direction. Last we seen o’ him, he’d just had a bath and was headin’ in the direction of the local House of Joy brothel on Quesadilla, in search o’ some — er — intimate rest and recreation, ye might say. Arr.”

Texas-area author may hit literary jackpot with sexy bigfoot horror romance

By Barry Flutophone

Author Shalanna Collins, perhaps best known as the creator of the Ari and Zoë series of mystery novels, will strike out in a new direction as she prepares to publish a teen-oriented horror/romance novel, featuring Bigfoot, a chupacabra (a mythical canine terrorist), and a neurotic 16-year-old with low self-esteem. The book, whose working title is Size Matters, will be auctioned to a prestigious publisher and later will be made into a major motion picture.

Rod Hump starts new career as he headlines at  Gluteus Maximus

Former EIA director Rod Hump, forced to resign after marrying Hitler’s daughter, starts a new phase in his life by signing a 13-week contract to be the main showroom headliner at Gluteus Maximus.

    The deal was reportedly arranged by superagent Hebrew Lefkowitz, and will mark the return of drummer Gary McDonal as Hump’s bandleader. McDonal has lived in seclusion since 1980 to avoid a mob hit.

Ex-bandleader gambles on return to a casino showroom stage after 30 years in hiding

Drummer/bandleader Gary McDonal, not photographed since this 1975 picture taken in Oregon, will gamble on short memories of Las Vegas and Atlantic City mobsters as he resumes his old job as conductor for Rod Hump, who will open soon at Gluteus Maximus,

    Allegedly McDonal will work under a guarantee of protection from Federico (Freddy the Fisherman) Havenselli. It is hoped this will be enough to keep hit men from Nevada and New Jersey from whacking McDonal in the middle of a Rod Hump performance.

Woodrow Wilson’s teeth to be the subject of Queen’s Dentistry College lecture series starting in August

    “If women had had the vote in 1912 or 1916,” says Dr. Prestwycke Thumb, president of the Esperantujan Dental Association, “somebody else would have been elected President of the United States, and the U.S. might not have been involved in World War II.”

    Wilson, whose dentition was even by standards of the day disgusting, was the last president to be voted into office by an all-male electorate, Thumb added. “In 1920, finally allowed to vote, women helped Warren G. Harding (we don’t think he was related to Tonya) win the presidency, in large measure because he brushed his teeth regularly.”

    “What more does a voter need to know?” said Thumb, who actively campaigned for Babalú Blanka-Morales in the 2008 election.

EW!