MUKO

Smoke Kalumnos—Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Edna speaks out on report of whack-your-brother order from Freddy the Fisherman

The nation of Esperantujo is still reacting strongly to the statement reported in last Wednesday’s MUKO and several electronic media that Hotel Association chieftain, Don Federico (Freddy the Fisherman) Havenselli has ordered his distant cousin, who happens to be editor/publisher of this newspaper, to whack his evil twin, Abby, “for the good of the family and the country.”

“We don’t discuss such things,” Dennis Havenselli says, all the while studying GPS devices set to ‘find guy on motorcycle.’

Poet/novelist/screenwriter Edna Porczeny-Dalrymple, incensed by reports that plans may be afoot to have Dennis Havenselli do away with his twin brother, says she plans to take the issue to the Guild of Esperantujan Screenwriters, of which the Hotel Association is a signatory. “Do you really expect Dennis to plumb the depths of despair that the great actor Dustin Pacino reached in a similar situation in Godfather II? It’s not bloody likely, eh?” (Edna believes that Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino are the same person, using two names to get twice as many film roles.)

Interestingly, MUKO editor/publisher Dennis Havenselli and several other film buffs believe the same thing.  Hoffman/Pacino was not available for comment.

 

Wakened from a deep sleep by a MUKO reporter, writer Edna Porczeny-Dalrymple says the idea of a Havenselli killing his brother is a “direct steal” from Godfather II, which she didn’t write. “If it were up to me, I’d sue whoever came up with the idea, eh?”

Singer Audra Mae and duet partner glued together by incompatible hair sprays

Singer/songwriter Audra Mae and her duet partner Jan Febb, inside the Los Angeles recording studio where their heads became stuck together while reading off the same sheet of music.

     “We didn’t realize that the hair sprays each of us used would, when combined, glue us together for as long as five or six days,” Audra Mae tells MUKO. “It’s one of those weird chemical things. But on the upside, Jan and I have almost a week where we might as well rehearse all day, because neither of us is going anywhere without the other.”

    Audra Mae, who has been booked for a return singing spot this season on the American FX cable network’s hit show, Sons of Anarchy, is a longtime fixture in the Esperantujan music scene, having appeared at the inaugurations of then-President Blanka both in 2001 and 2005, as well as opening the grand showroom of the Valhalla Hotel and Casino in 2004. She is the granddaughter of MUKO editor/publisher Dennis Havens and great-granddaughter of big-band legend Bobby Sherwood. Other ancestors include Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli and Lorna Luft.

TALK ABOUT LUCK!

 

In what many are calling a near miracle of good fortune, Wilbur Dildock won 218 million stelos in the Esperantujan national lottery last Saturday, and just two days later met the love of his life, Tara Larceny, 23. The happy couple, says Dildock, will marry on March 14, the one-week anniversary of his lottery win. “We were meant for each other,” Tara, an interpretive dancer, tells MUKO.

“Don’t start with that light gravity nonsense again”: U of E Physics prof

High school students rebel against cafeteria food, demand change

 

Contractor blamed for “slop that even a pig wouldn’t eat”

While a student seated behind her checks a morsel of his cafeteria lunch for insect parts and rodent feces, North Fruitland High School junior Holly Peterson stifles a gag reflex after taking a tentative bite of meat loaf.

    Like all school lunch facilities in the country, North Fruitland High is supplied with surplus food from the many restaurants and buffets of Hotel Association. In a statement released by national food and beverage director Giuseppe Bombardino, the former Pope Pasta I,   the Association says that “a tremendous variety is made available to Esperantujo’s schoolchildren through our used-food purchase program: these fortunate students get everything from lunch counter leftovers to gourmet-quality meals sent back to the chef by dissatisfied diners. Where else could these kids get delicacies like reheated baked eel, microwave-fresh sausage and peppers, or even that prison-system staple, lumpy country-style gruel? If-a dey complain, it must be ’cause what you got here is a bunch of spoiled brats dat don’t know what’s good for ’em.”

    Veiled threats from the Hotel Association notwithstanding, students  are talking of protest demonstrations to get what they want served in their lunchrooms: Almost Burgers and fries, Doggy Dogs, and high-sugar, high-fat treats dispensed from coin-operated machines.

    “We didn’t fight the British to be fed second-hand casino food,” says student activist Paula Paulson.

    “Youse didn’t fight the British at all,” Bombardino snapped back. “Now shut up and eat-a you food.”