Mars Manned Lander mission called off: Freddy says Pluto or Bust

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Speaking from his newly-constructed media room at his family compound, Don Federico (Freddy the Fisherman) Havenselli today told the nation that the Mars Manned Lander project has been cancelled, to be replaced by time-travel-assisted missions to far-off Pluto and Neptune.

    Explaining the unexpected move, the sometimes-affable chief of the Esperantujan Hotel Association told the country’s leading news outlets, including MUKO, “We heard about NASA finding water on the moon, and not-a long afterward, our scientists came to me with-a da news dat dere’s gin on Pluto...and vermouth on-a Neptune.”

    Dr. Volpe Fromage, head liaison between Queen’s College’s astrophysics department, Eggers Aerospacetime and the National Time Machine Trust, says Pluto, long believed to be a chunk of ice, is actually a frozen alcohol compound that appears, to the university’s

spectroscopes, to be chemically identical to Blue Nightmare™ gin. “What’s more,” Fromage adds, “vast pockets of natural vermouth appear in oceanic-size lakes on the surface of Neptune.

    This shocking discovery suggests that there are, in Fromage’s words, “the fixings for enough martinis to keep this planet hammered for at least the next six million years.”

    Eggers Aerospacetime CEO Roger Eggers immediately filed for a 3-trillion-stelo grant from the Hotel Association to build a pair of time-machine controlled spacecraft, capable of maintaining a velocity just below the speed of light. “We could get to Pluto in about an hour,” Eggers says, “and Neptune a little quicker.”

    According to Queen’s College astrophysicists, much travel time is saved because achieving velocities near the speed of light avoids the necessity of long, spiraling route s that use the gravitational pull of the Sun and other planets. “Our system will use a high resonation of a Fibonacci numerical sequence that will achieve a speed of about 185,995 miles per second as soon as the spacecraft clears Earth’s atmosphere.”

    Fibonacci sequences played a key role in the development of the National Time Machine, as Roger Eggers has said in the past … or is that something he’ll say in the future?

    The great German composer Richard Wagner, on the very day when he died, passed some his last hours writing music based on the musical intervals corresponding with Fibonacci numbers.

    Says MUKO editor/publisher Dennis Havenselli, “I think Wagner was poised on the brink of unlocking  the music of the Universe.”

Graduation speaker spontaneously combusts: Himmelfarb separatists take credit for death ray

New Nuremberg, Occupied Himmelfarb. The semi-official Himmelfarb News Agency, Vas ist los, today printed a terse statement, written in the Volapük language, stating that the underground neo-Nazi movement Festung Himmelfarb is taking responsibility for firing a death ray that incinerated Prof. Ben-Zvi Liebowitz, who was scheduled to address law school graduates at Neue Deutschland University in the occupied territory’s provisional capital city,  Knackwurst-mit-Sauerkraut.

    “This new and terrifying death ray,” says Esperantujan Minister of Defense Jim Christensen, “is the first indication that a cadre of renegade scientists with Nazi sympathies—possibly getting their marching orders from Sabrina Quandt—is rapidly catching up with Esperantujan technology.

    Foreign Minister Admiral Sir Roger Jolie will be leaving “within the hour” on his personal flagship ESS Arrjoy for the short voyage to Himmelfarb Island, where he will confer with top military advisers before a meeting with puppet Himmelfarbian chancellor Heinrich Bulŝt.

It’s official, nation of birth not to be a factor in election process here

By Glengarry Glen Ross

    Esperantujan Hotel Association chieftain Don Federico (Freddy the Fisherman) Havenselli today released a statement proclaiming that place of birth will not be a factor in any Esperantujan election, now or in the future.

    Speaking for her uncle, Connie (the Godmother) Havenselli-Colonna tells MUKO, “Yo! We’re all immigrants here. And we’re all legal, because this land confers automatic citizenship on anyone who comes here. So, there’s no foreigners, see? Many of us came from the United States, but people like Edna Porczeny-Dalrymple and Roger Eggers were born in Canada. That Buhist guy who’s running for prime minister, Vat Cnu, he’s from Indonesia, and Queen Antonia was born in Bratwurst, Austria.”

    For that matter, Godmother Connie points out that none of America’s founding fathers were born in the United States: they were born in a British colony, through the year 1776. “So what’s that all about, huh?” she says.

    The issue is further clouded by misleading birthplaces. Chief Walking Fib has long claimed Tuba City, Arizona as his place of birth; MUKO has conclusively proved that Fib was born in Brooklyn, and is of Sicilian heritage.

Eggers challenges rival candidate, says autographed pic proves “S. Quandt” is Hitler’s daughter

    Snarling triumphantly, EIA director Rod Hump earlier today brought an autographed picture of his longtime nemesis Sabrina Quandt to MUKO headquarters.

    “How can this odious woman be allowed to run for prime minister of a nation that her father wanted to wipe off the face of the earth”? The incensed spymaster shouted to a reception room full of frightened young women and a random dog.

    MUKO agreed to take the matter under consideration, though editor/publisher Dennis Havenselli soon announced that “in the spirit of fairness,” Ms. Quandt’s political advertisements would continue to appear in this publication, “as long as her checks continue to clear.”

A wholly-owned subsidiary of the Esperantujan Hotel Association and Eggers Aerospacetime

One reporter may be picked to go on Pluto mission; all media asked to nominate someone

By Rachel Prejudice

    Official word has reached MUKO that one journalist will  be chosen from a voluntary pool to ride along and report on the mission that will determine if the former planet Pluto is made of gin.

    Among the media outlets expected to participate are MUKO, the EBS and ZBC television networks, the Hoppapopple Media Empire, The Y’All Call, The Ŝmjercenhercen Rabblerouser, The Aunt Shirley Shopper, and Esperantujo’s first neo-Neanderthal publication, Eht Swen, which is chiseled weekly on granite boulders; not surprisingly, their motto is Stcaf Devrac ni Enots, which translates to “Facts Carved in Stone.”

    Occupied Himmelfarb’s sole paper, Der neue Stürmer, an underground pro-Nazi publication, will not be allowed to participate for national security reasons, says newly-appointed Director of Esperantujan Insecurity, Richard Cheney.

Zamboni named casino mgr of new Z-Town resort

Gianni (Ace) Zamboni, veteran gaming executive, has been appointed as casino manager of Nicky Havenselli’s soon-to-open Shellgame resort hotel/casino on the beachfront strip in Zamenhof City.

    Zamboni will introduce 3-card monte to the luxurious casino. “It’ll catch on fast,” he tells MUKO. “Just three cards; that means odds of 3-1, see?”